Se Eu Tivesse Pernas, Eu Te Chutaria (2025)★ 6.9/10

This was a panic attack in a movie, I love it!

motherhood is a cosmic horror

Challenging, anxious, gross... kind of like childbirth

What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you? What’s the worst thing that’s happened to you today? These questions were posed by writer/director Mary Bronstein to introduce her new A24 movie called IF I HAD LEGS I’D KICK YOU. Like me, you probably just chuckled. The more I think about it, the title is actually perfect. It encapsulates the tone of this panic attack of a movie so well. At times it’s humorous, but it's mostly drama with very heavy subject matter and themes. It’s about the unraveling of Linda (Rose Byrne), a therapist and worn-down mother of an ill child. A ceiling in their home collapses, starting a chaotic chain reaction of stress-inducing events. Metaphorically, she keeps having her legs kicked out from under her, hence the amazing title. This is a really well-done movie. The metaphors and symbolism are top-notch, not being too obvious or preachy. The script keeps pace while it’s shot with a lot of close-ups. Rose Byrne gives us an award-worthy performance. It’s harrowing, raw, and relatable. A lot is put on a mother’s shoulders, including blame and shame. They are the closest thing to superheroes that we can get. Hell, this is a superhero movie. Conan O’Brian is in this! Playing Linda’s therapist, he actually does a great job. So does ASAP Rocky as Linda’s neighbor. The director herself knows that this movie won’t resonate with all audiences, but I think it’ll definitely hit the people it’s aiming for. IF I HAD LEGS I’D KICK YOU isn’t going to be on my rewatch list, but it packs a lot into so many punches.