ENESPT
The Onion

The Onion (2007)★ 8.6/10

US · March 27, 2007 · 1 seasons

  • Comedy

Directed by: Will Graham, JJ Adler, Lang Fisher, Dan Mirk, David Sidorov

Written by: Jon Bershad, Alexander Blechman, Haw Cheng, Dominic Dierkes, Kevin Eis

All the "news" that's *not* fit for print -- or for that matter -- nor for the airwaves -- is "reported" in this satire series and mocku- sketch comedy show.

  1. 1As Obese Population Rises, More Candidates Courting the Fat VoteJanuary 22, 2007
  2. 2Bush Calls Up Civil War Reenactors for Duty in IraqMarch 27, 2007
  3. 3A Friend's Cancer: Good for Your Health?April 3, 2007
  4. 4In the Know: The US MoatApril 17, 2007
  5. 5In the Know: Do You Remember Life Before the Segway?April 26, 2007
  6. 6Report: 70 Percent of All Praise SarcasticMay 1, 2007
  7. 7Gap Unveils New 'For Kids by Kids' Clothing LineMay 8, 2007
  8. 8High School Seniors May Be Unprepared for College Level DrinkingMay 17, 2007
  9. 9Being a Detective Who Talks to Ghosts Not as Exciting as It Looks on TVMay 24, 2007
  10. 10In the Know: War on TerrorMay 24, 2007
  11. 11Al-Qaeda Also Fed Up with Ground Zero Construction DelaysMay 29, 2007
  12. 12In the Know: America Braces for New Wayans Brothers MovieJune 7, 2007
  13. 13Study: Alzheimer's Patients Say They Do Not Have Alzheimer'sJune 12, 2007
  14. 14Liechtenstein Successfully Tests Teeny Tiny Nuclear BombJune 19, 2007
  15. 15Kim Jong Il Announces Plan to Bring Moon to North KoreaJune 21, 2007
  16. 16Tired of Traffic? A New DOT Report Urges Drivers: 'Honk'June 26, 2007
  17. 17Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Childcare OverseasJuly 3, 2007
  18. 18Live from Congress: Rep. Ingersoll's Murder of a HoboJuly 5, 2007
  19. 19Breaking News: All Online Data Lost After Internet CrashJuly 10, 2007
  20. 20U.S. Department of Lost and Found: We Found Your Flip FlopJuly 12, 2007
  21. 21Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful to MonkeysJuly 17, 2007
  22. 22In the Know: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?July 19, 2007
  23. 23TIME Releases Annual List of Least Influential AmericansJuly 24, 2007
  24. 24Nation of Andorra Not in Africa, Shocked U.S. State Dept. ReportsJuly 26, 2007
  25. 25Live from Congress: Rep. Hardy Calls for a Ladies' Night OutAugust 2, 2007
  26. 26In the Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?August 9, 2007
  27. 27In the Know: Candidates Compete for Vital Idgit VoteAugust 16, 2007
  28. 28World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100August 21, 2007
  29. 29Live from Congress: The Skull Fucking Bill of 2007August 23, 2007
  30. 30Beyonce Unhurt After Stray Bullet Miraculously Hits Passerby InsteadAugust 28, 2007
  31. 31In the Know: Are America's Rich Falling Behind the Super-Rich?September 6, 2007
  32. 32In the Know: Should Americans Return to a Simpler, Stone Age Lifestyle?September 13, 2007
  33. 33Domestic Abuse No Longer an Issue, Say Bruised Female ResearchersSeptember 18, 2007
  34. 34In the Know: White House Announces 'Everything Is Great in Iraf'September 20, 2007
  35. 35African-American Boycott of LL Bean Enters 80th YearSeptember 25, 2007
  36. 36In the Know: Situation in Nigeria Seems Pretty ComplexSeptember 27, 2007
  37. 37Country Music Stars Challenge Al-Qaeda with Patriotic New Song 'Bomb New York'October 2, 2007
  38. 38Use of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's CareerOctober 9, 2007
  39. 39Proposed (Classified) Bill Will Defend Against Flesh-Eating (Classified)October 11, 2007
  40. 40Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening SomewhereOctober 16, 2007
  41. 41In the Know: Is the Government Spying on Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?October 18, 2007
  42. 42Preemptive Memorial Honors Future Victims of Imminent Dam DisasterOctober 23, 2007
  43. 43Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once AgainOctober 30, 2007
  44. 44Christian Charity Raising Money to Feed Non-Gay Famine VictimsNovember 1, 2007
  45. 45Messages from Our Troops to the Families They Can Barely RememberNovember 8, 2007
  46. 46Controversial Tell-All Book Reveals Wrestling Fans are FakeNovember 11, 2007
  47. 47Medical Miracle: Man Lives Thanks to Heart Stolen from Dead ManNovember 13, 2007
  48. 48How Can We Raise Awareness in Darfur of How Much We're Doing for Them?November 15, 2007
  49. 49Americans Enjoying Thanksgiving Tradition of Sitting Around at AirportNovember 20, 2007
  50. 50Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule by Swimming with Shirt OnNovember 27, 2007
  51. 51Local Burger Feels Especially Disgusting TodayFebruary 24, 2013
  52. 51New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt and Injury FreeJune 4, 2009
  53. 51In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby in Giant Turkey CostumeNovember 25, 2008
  54. 51Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues to CrashJuly 27, 2010
  55. 51Reporter in Helicopter Pretty Sure Landslide Down There SomehwereMay 29, 2008
  56. 51Mitt Romney Is Candidate Most Americans Want to Get Into Bar Fight WithNovember 29, 2007
  57. 51Report: Most College Males Admit to Regularly Getting StokedJanuary 1, 2009
  58. 51The Onion Looks Back at 'Jaws'September 20, 2013
  59. 51Study: Most Serial Killers Did Not Receive Toy Every Time They Went to Store as KidsMay 8, 2014
  60. 51How Do Archers Resist Firing Arrows at Everyone in the Spectator Gallery?August 11, 2016
  61. 51Police: Kidnapped MoveOn.org Staffer's Please Help Emails Went Completely IgnoredMarch 12, 2012
  62. 52America's Best: America's Sandiest Car?February 26, 2013
  63. 52USDA Official Takes Courageous Stand Against Interstate Countercyclical Potato PricingNovember 28, 2008
  64. 52Overcome Stress by Visualizing It as a Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race of CreaturesAugust 3, 2010
  65. 52U.S. To Trade Gold Reserves for Cash Through Cash4Gold.comJanuary 1, 2009
  66. 52Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals for America After Visiting Denny'sJune 9, 2009
  67. 52Evangeline Lilly Wins 'Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene' at Strong Women in TV AwardsDecember 6, 2007
  68. 52Genetic Scientists Develop Sheep with Goat BrainJune 4, 2008
  69. 52Chipmunk's Plan for Future Better Crafted Than That of 8 Out of 10 AmericansOctober 10, 2013
  70. 52The Onion's Tips for Finding an ApartmentMay 14, 2014
  71. 52Does Shaving a Hammer Really Make It Move Faster Through the Air?August 16, 2016
  72. 52Sale Of BET To White Supremacist Group Results In No Changes To ProgrammingMarch 21, 2012
  73. 53Romney, Santorum Supporters to Beat Living Shit Out of Each Other at Montana PrimaryMarch 23, 2012
  74. 53NASA Simulator Prepares Astronauts for Rigors of an Interview with Larry KingDecember 2, 2008
  75. 53Congressman Demands to Know Who Left Fish Sandwich to Rot on House FloorJune 11, 2009
  76. 53TIME Announces New Version of Magazine Aimed at AdultsAugust 24, 2010
  77. 53Should Animals Be Doing More for the Animal Rights Movement?December 9, 2007
  78. 53'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play a Character Playing 'Warcraft'June 10, 2008
  79. 53Zombie Reagan Raised from Grave to Lead GOPJanuary 1, 2009
  80. 53Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-SongwriterOctober 14, 2013
  81. 53PR Firm Advises U.S. To Cut Ties with AlabamaMarch 2, 2013
  82. 53High School Student, Teacher Applying for Same Summer Waitressing JobMay 15, 2014
  83. 53How Does a Hive Mind Keep a Synchronized Swimming Team So Coordinated?August 18, 2016
  84. 54New Portable Sewing Machine Lets Sweatshop Employees Work on the GoDecember 9, 2008
  85. 54Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put to Sleep After Breaking LegJune 16, 2009
  86. 54In the Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give a Shit?August 26, 2010
  87. 54U.S. Finally Gets Around to Closing Last WWII Internment CampJune 12, 2008
  88. 54Report: Nation's Wealthy Cruelly Deprived of True Meaning of ChristmasDecember 11, 2007
  89. 54VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes in California Causing Major Slut SpillJanuary 4, 2010
  90. 54Child Sees No Reason Why Iron Man Costume Can't Be Worn to Grandfather's FuneralOctober 17, 2013
  91. 54Report: Peanut Butter Contains Traces of Rat Feces But Life's Weird Like That SometimesMarch 2, 2013
  92. 54Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection with Humane New Head-Ripping-Off MachineMay 21, 2014
  93. 54Cucumber Is Everywhere, So Why Are People Still Fat?April 19, 2017
  94. 54Google Shuts Down Gmail For Two Hours To Show Its Immense PowerMarch 26, 2012
  95. 55America's Best: A Tale of Two SingersMarch 5, 2013
  96. 55Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due to FacebookApril 1, 2012
  97. 55President Faces Down Monster in Action-Packed ScheduleDecember 11, 2008
  98. 55Congo Approves Economic Stiumulus Package of AK-47 for Every CitizenJanuary 7, 2010
  99. 55Today Now!: How to Thrust Your Fat Into a more Appealing ShapeSeptember 8, 2010
  100. 55High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club NerdsJune 17, 2008
  101. 55International Scandal: Don Cheadle Planned Darfur Genocide to Create Film RoleDecember 18, 2007
  102. 55Obama to Hold Job Performance Review with Every American WorkerJune 25, 2009
  103. 55Wes Anderson Reteams with Favorite Objects for 'Grand Budapest Hotel'October 25, 2013
  104. 55Survey: Most Common Deathbed Regret Never Spraying Fire ExtinguisherMay 29, 2014
  105. 55America Is More Religious Than Other Countries Due to Its Proximity to the Gates of HellApril 26, 2017
  106. 56CIA Apologizes for Accidentally Overthrowing Costa Rican GovernmentSeptember 9, 2010
  107. 56Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients from NatureJune 30, 2009
  108. 56Aunts and Stepdads Line Up for This Year's Hottest Gift: The Electric Tea KettleDecember 16, 2008
  109. 56Biden Criticized for Appearing in Hennessy AdsJanuary 12, 2010
  110. 56Study: Most Children Strongly Opposed to Children's HealthcareJune 19, 2008
  111. 56Queen Elizabeth II Will Leave Behind Long Legacy of WavingDecember 20, 2007
  112. 56How to Get Your Son to Remove His Halloween CostumeOctober 31, 2013
  113. 56Devoted Abuser Stops by Girlfriend's Office to Deliver Surprise ThreatMarch 10, 2013
  114. 56Bounty Launches Beginner Series for People New to Paper TowelsJune 4, 2014
  115. 56Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live on AirApril 4, 2012
  116. 56Trump Voter Feels Betrayed By President After Reading 800 Pages Of Queer Feminist TheoryMay 3, 2017
  117. 57Man Didn't Expect Sex with Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally FulfillingMarch 10, 2013
  118. 57Deceased AcquaintancesMay 3, 2012
  119. 57Weather Channel Accused of Pro-Weather BiasDecember 18, 2008
  120. 57Mexico Builds Border Wall to Keep Out U.S. AssholesJuly 7, 2009
  121. 57Obama Releases 500,000 Men from U.S. Strategic Bachelor ReserveSeptember 14, 2010
  122. 57New Law Requires Women to Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting AbortionJanuary 14, 2010
  123. 57Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'June 24, 2008
  124. 57The Onion Looks Back at 'The Shining'October 31, 2013
  125. 57More Office Workers Switching to Fetal Position DesksJune 10, 2014
  126. 57Panda Demands AbortionJanuary 1, 2007
  127. 57Cop Explains How It Feels To Live Every Day In Fear Someone Might Record You Brutalizing A CivilianAugust 25, 2017
  128. 58America's Best: America's Best Huqin Player?March 12, 2013
  129. 58Romney Courts Hispanic Vote with Animated Sombrero-Wearing ParrotMay 11, 2012
  130. 58New Live Poll Allows Pundits to Pander to Viewers in Real TimeJuly 9, 2009
  131. 58Man Who Crossed Nation in Balloon Only Wants to Talk About Horse AbuseJanuary 8, 2008
  132. 58Californians Gather to Celebrate Annual Wildfire TraditionDecember 1, 2008
  133. 58Joad Cressbeckler: NASA Honeyfuggling America with Nonsense Space DreamSeptember 21, 2010
  134. 58Final Season of 'Lost' Promises to Make Fans More Annoying than EverJanuary 19, 2010
  135. 58Volatile India-Pakistan Standoff Enters 11,680th DayJuly 1, 2008
  136. 58Centers for Disease Contraction Urges Americans to Suck DoorknobNovember 1, 2013
  137. 58Nation's Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard TryoutsJune 12, 2014
  138. 58Immigrant Explains Difficulty Assimilating To Culture That Constantly Reboots Film FranchisesAugust 29, 2017
  139. 59After Weeks of Media Pressure, Shia LaBeouf Still Refusing to Have Public MeltdownMay 24, 2012
  140. 59How to Play Golf Against the Man Whose Wife You're Banging on the SideSeptember 23, 2010
  141. 59Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex with Wife Thousands of Times Before Killing HerJanuary 26, 2010
  142. 59Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop with No KeyboardJanuary 4, 2009
  143. 59Obama Axes Pentagon Plan to Build Billion Dollar Tank in Shape of DragonJuly 14, 2009
  144. 59Bush Tours America to Survey Damage Caused by His Disastrous PresidencyJuly 3, 2008
  145. 59Report: American Schools Trail Behind World in Aptitude of Child SoldiersJanuary 8, 2008
  146. 59The Onion's Tips for Fall FashionNovember 5, 2013
  147. 59Area Man Panics After Accidentally 'Liking' 381 of His Ex-Girlfriend's Facebook PhotosMarch 15, 2013
  148. 59Who's Fucking: Isaac and DorisJune 18, 2014
  149. 59This Will Change The Way You Watch '10 Things I Hate About You'January 24, 2018
  150. 60Survivors of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss of GasolineJanuary 13, 2009
  151. 60Human Rights Group Campaigns to End Use of Child Politicians in AfricaJuly 16, 2009
  152. 60Justin Bieber Found to Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old PedophileSeptember 28, 2010
  153. 60Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity for Anyone Who Hit on First Lady Last NightJanuary 28, 2010
  154. 60Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013July 8, 2008
  155. 60In the Know: Are We Giving the Robots That Run Our Society Too Much Power?January 10, 2008
  156. 60Grievances Brought Up with Powerless SupervisorNovember 7, 2013
  157. 60Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users to Check 'Yes' If They Have Open SoresJune 20, 2014
  158. 60Reporter Goes Undercover In Chinatown By Wearing Silk RobeJune 22, 2012
  159. 60Solo: A Star Wars Story' Producer Points Out All The Cameos Made By The Film's Kickstarter DonorsMay 29, 2018
  160. 60Romney Blames Loss On Successfully Communicating His Message To MinoritiesMarch 25, 2013
  161. 61Evander Holyfield to Box Horse for HeavyweightJuly 28, 2009
  162. 61Congress Debates Adding Elaborate Dance to Obama's Inauguration CeremonyJanuary 15, 2009
  163. 61Study: Americans Get Majority of Exercise While DrunkOctober 6, 2010
  164. 61Packers Fan Announces He Will Return to Drinking for Another SeasonFebruary 2, 2010
  165. 61Congress Struggles to Come Up with Cool Name for Anti-Drug InitiativeJuly 10, 2008
  166. 61Mitt Romney Defends Himself Against Allegations of ToleranceJanuary 15, 2008
  167. 61Hollywood's Biggest Stars Rally to Save Their ChildrenNovember 7, 2013
  168. 61Beard Husks on Sidewalk Indicate Start of Hipster Molting SeasonJune 24, 2014
  169. 61Man Not Sure He's Dynamic Enough To Work At Local Marketing FirmMarch 27, 2013
  170. 61Should The MLB Ban Infield Shapeshifting?August 16, 2018
  171. 61Breaking Story So New Reporter Literally Has No InformationJune 26, 2012
  172. 62Horrifying Planet: Zebras: Nature's Ultimate PreyJuly 18, 2012
  173. 62Congresswoman Says Botched Plastic Surgery Most Important Issue Facing U.S.July 30, 2009
  174. 62Biden Invites Nation's Women to Tax Code Discussion at Private Mountain ChaletOctober 12, 2010
  175. 62How to Put the Spark Back Into Your Relationship with Your CatFebruary 4, 2010
  176. 62'No Values Voters' Looking to Support Most Evil CandidateJuly 15, 2008
  177. 62Mean Automakers Dash Hope for Flying CarsJanuary 17, 2008
  178. 62Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History of School ShootingsJanuary 22, 2009
  179. 62Report: American People Lead World in Compressing Big Sandwiches So They're BitableNovember 8, 2013
  180. 62Man with Strong Brand Loyalty Willing to Kill for MazdaApril 12, 2013
  181. 62This Minnesota State Museum's Final Offer to Owner of Couch from 'Mary Tyler Moore' SetJune 26, 2014
  182. 62The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'November 24, 2021
  183. 63Missing Girl Probably RapedJanuary 17, 2008
  184. 63How to Wax Your Floors Without Slipping and Severing Your SpineJanuary 29, 2009
  185. 63Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases when Computer User is DrunkFebruary 9, 2010
  186. 63Has Obama Failed to Reduce Hostility Toward Obnoxious Americans Abroad?October 14, 2010
  187. 63U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup to Wipe Out National DebtAugust 4, 2009
  188. 63Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Nonstop for 6 YearsJuly 17, 2008
  189. 63The Onion's Tips for Succeeding as a Woman in the WorkplaceNovember 18, 2013
  190. 63Activists Release Horrifying Video Showing How Meat Products Are EatenApril 23, 2013
  191. 63Meat Prices Skyrocket After Cow Smashing Machine Gets All Beefed UpJuly 1, 2014
  192. 63New Ad Urges Hipsters to Go to Applebee's IronicallyJuly 22, 2012
  193. 63Perfect One-Pot, Six-Pan, 10-Wok, 25-Baking Sheet DinnerDecember 1, 2021
  194. 64Ron Paul Makes Campaign Stop in Whimsical JalopyJuly 22, 2012
  195. 64Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips on How to Make Your Kids Less AttractiveAugust 6, 2009
  196. 64Bird Hunted to Near Extinction Due to Infuriating 'F*** You' CallOctober 26, 2010
  197. 64NASA Scientists Plan to Approach Girl by 2018February 11, 2010
  198. 64Study Finds Young People Remain Apathetic About Office PoliticsJuly 22, 2008
  199. 64Breaking News: Series of Concentric Circles Emanating from Glowing Red DotJanuary 24, 2008
  200. 64Army Holds Annual 'Bring Your Daughter to War' DayJanuary 1, 2009
  201. 64Christina Aguilera Tour Canceled Due to Fan ExhaustionNovember 19, 2013
  202. 64Bored Scientists Now Just Sticking Random Things Into Large Hadron ColliderJuly 8, 2014
  203. 64Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like SchoolgirlApril 26, 2013
  204. 64JD Vance Under Fire for Resurfaced Remarks Criticizing Childless Children | Onion News NetworkOctober 7, 2024
  205. 65Female Scientists Say Domestic Abuse Not ProblemJanuary 29, 2008
  206. 65Horrifying Planet: Chimpanzees: Dumber Than All HumansJuly 25, 2012
  207. 65Tom Coughlin Retires from Family to Spend More Time with TeamFebruary 3, 2009
  208. 65Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy by Moving to Remote VillageAugust 11, 2009
  209. 65Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelet' from Recipe that Came to Him in a DreamJuly 24, 2008
  210. 65AA Destroying the Social Lives of Thousands of Once-Fun AmericansOctober 28, 2010
  211. 65New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each OtherFebruary 14, 2010
  212. 65Man Doesn't Know How Parents Ever Going to Pay Off Massive Student Loan DebtNovember 22, 2013
  213. 65Couple Making Out at Bus Stop Like It's Fucking ParisMay 3, 2013
  214. 65Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West CoastJuly 15, 2014
  215. 65Doctor Warns of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having on Mall Santas | Onion Now: FocusDecember 17, 2024
  216. 66Horrifying Planet: Tidal Pools: Nature's Putrid SewersAugust 1, 2012
  217. 66The Beijing Olympics: Are They a Trap?July 31, 2008
  218. 66In the Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards for Skanks?February 5, 2009
  219. 66Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment of WomenAugust 13, 2009
  220. 66Social Security Scam Robs Elderly by Convincing Them They Are DeadNovember 2, 2010
  221. 66Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked to ViolenceFebruary 18, 2010
  222. 66Mysterious Traveler Entrances Town with Utopian Vision of the FutureJanuary 29, 2008
  223. 66Cutest Guy in Whole Office Not Even Particularly AttractiveMay 11, 2013
  224. 66Slow-Witted Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Government Behind NASADecember 5, 2013
  225. 66New Kindle Helps Readers Show Off by Shouting Title of Book Loudly and RepeatedlyJuly 29, 2014
  226. 66Local Teen Invents Masturbation | Onion News NetworkMarch 11, 2025
  227. 67Blood-Drenched, Berserk CEO Demands More Web VideosAugust 5, 2012
  228. 67Sony Releases New Stupid Piece of Shit that Doesn't Fucking WorkFebruary 10, 2009
  229. 67White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive PhaseAugust 18, 2009
  230. 67Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality ShowFebruary 25, 2010
  231. 67Joad Cressbeckler Fears Genetic Modification Causes 'Wrath-Minded Taters'November 9, 2010
  232. 67Domino's Scientists Test Limits of What Humans Will EatJuly 1, 2008
  233. 67Child Bankrupts Make-a-Wish Foundation with Wish for Unlimited WishesJanuary 1, 2008
  234. 67The Onion's Tips for Decorating a Christmas TreeDecember 12, 2013
  235. 67Man Says 'Fuck It', Eats Lunch at 10:58 A.M.May 17, 2013
  236. 67Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask to Use in Place of MakeupJuly 31, 2014
  237. 67Climate Protestors Throw Paint on the Louvre's 1988 Copy of 'Hustler' MagazineApril 3, 2025
  238. 68Dr. Good: Your Insides Look Like Smashed TomatoesMay 20, 2013
  239. 68Reporters Struggling to Maintain Energy Until ElectionAugust 5, 2012
  240. 68Pentagon's Unmanned Spokesdrone Completes First Press Conference MissionAugust 5, 2008
  241. 68East Timor's First Female Dictator Hailed as Step Forward for WomenFebruary 17, 2009
  242. 68Baseball Superstar Accused of Performance-Enhancing Genie UseAugust 20, 2009
  243. 68Filming of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee MeetingFebruary 25, 2010
  244. 68Oprah Invites Hundreds of Lucky Fans to Be Buried with Her in Massive TombNovember 11, 2010
  245. 68Ngyuen Thi Buch Thuy: 'Just Give Me the Damn Sepak Takraw Ball'February 5, 2008
  246. 68The Onion's Tips for Last Minute Holiday ShoppingDecember 24, 2013
  247. 68Adorable Hedgehogs You Can Look at as Long as You Can Tolerate the Sounds of a Man Chewing LoudlyAugust 4, 2014
  248. 68JD Vance Rushed to Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly ReturnsJune 3, 2025
  249. 69Could Plastic Surgery Be Your Ticket to Employment?May 22, 2013
  250. 69Horrifying Planet: Robins: The Perfect Murder MachineAugust 8, 2012
  251. 69'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study on How to Please Your ManAugust 7, 2008
  252. 69In the Know: New Iraqi Law Requires Waiting Period for Suicide Vest PurchasesFebruary 7, 2008
  253. 69Courageous Man Refuses to Believe He Has CancerFebruary 19, 2009
  254. 69Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan with High-Speed Bus PlanNovember 16, 2010
  255. 69Obama Caught Lip-Syncing SpeechMarch 2, 2010
  256. 69Ominous Music Heard Throughout U.S. Sends Nation into PanicAugust 25, 2009
  257. 69Weather Forecast Says It's Windy as S BastardJanuary 6, 2014
  258. 69ClickHole: You Can Write Whatever You Want on a Baby... And Here's the ProofAugust 4, 2014
  259. 69Man Opens Up About Childhood Trauma of Being Forced to Put on JammiesJune 12, 2025
  260. 70Back of Library Smells Like WeedAugust 12, 2012
  261. 70Dr. Good: Dr. Good's Ultimate Shot Giveaway!May 24, 2013
  262. 70Is Using a Minotaur to Gore Detainees a Form of Torture?August 27, 2009
  263. 70Chinese Officials: Deadly Virus Sweeping China Is Just Olympic FeverAugust 12, 2008
  264. 70How Will the End of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?March 4, 2010
  265. 70Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger, Free iPod IndustryFebruary 22, 2009
  266. 70Obama Outlines Moral, Philosophical Justifications for Turkey PardonNovember 23, 2010
  267. 70Online Dating Helping Pathetic Woman Get Their Hopes Crushed More EfficientlyFebruary 12, 2008
  268. 70Blanket of Snow Creates Illusion That Town Not a Total ShitholeJanuary 10, 2014
  269. 70Onion Talks: Hypothetically It Would Be Okay to Have Sex with a Robot DogAugust 18, 2014
  270. 70Congress, Now More Than Ever, We Need Your CowardiceJune 22, 2025
  271. 71Horrifying Planet: Spiders: Christ, Fucking SpidersAugust 15, 2012
  272. 71Dr. Good: Help! I'm a Different Height Than Someone Else!May 29, 2013
  273. 71Astronaut Suspects NASA Using Him to Test Space's Effects on Fat PeopleAugust 14, 2008
  274. 71Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged KidsSeptember 1, 2009
  275. 71Chinese Gossip Blogger Fights for Freedom to Post Celebrity Up-Skirt PhotosNovember 30, 2010
  276. 71Boy's Tragic Death Could have Happened to Any Family with 20-Foot Pet PythonMarch 11, 2010
  277. 71Expert on Anteaters Wasted Entire Life Studying AnteatersFebruary 14, 2008
  278. 71Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children for the Apocalypse?February 26, 2009
  279. 71BREAKING: Hundreds Feared Dead in Coors Light Party Train CrashJanuary 16, 2014
  280. 71Study: Nation's Third-Graders Now Eating at a Ninth-Grade LevelAugust 19, 2014
  281. 71FEMA Head Under Fire After Accidentally Playing Porn on Emergency Alert SystemJune 24, 2025
  282. 72Kourtney Kardashian's Stunning Bikini Body Washes Up on ShoreMay 30, 2013
  283. 72GOP Trying to Keep Elderly Voting Base Alive Until NovemberAugust 18, 2012
  284. 72Hurricane Bound for Texas Slowed by Large Land Mass to the SouthAugust 26, 2008
  285. 72NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit LionsSeptember 8, 2009
  286. 72Excitement Growing Among Beatles Fans for Paul McCartney's FuneralDecember 7, 2010
  287. 72Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine $2.2 Million to Run Photos of Her BabyMarch 3, 2009
  288. 72Kentucky Violated NCAA Rules While Recruiting Basketball-Playing DogMarch 16, 2010
  289. 72New Auto Security System Will Not Allow Car to Start If Driver Is Nick NolteFebruary 20, 2008
  290. 72McDonald's - 'And Yet, Is Not Beef Itself an Expression of Wanton Lust?'January 16, 2014
  291. 72Salt Lake City Hoping to Boost Tourism by Reminding Visitors They're Free to Leave at Any TimeAugust 22, 2014
  292. 72Satellite Images Reveal Drunk Father Stockpiling FireworksJuly 1, 2025
  293. 73Horrifying Planet: Cheap, Clean Natural Gas: Earth's One Good FeatureAugust 22, 2012
  294. 73Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology for Extramarital AffairMarch 5, 2009
  295. 73In the Know: Is Pundit Duncan Birch a Worthless Idiot?December 9, 2010
  296. 73Latest Poll Reveals 430 New Demographics That Will Decide ElectionAugust 1, 2008
  297. 73Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's a Shapshifter'March 18, 2010
  298. 73Americans Observing 9/11 by Trying Not to MasturbateSeptember 10, 2009
  299. 73'Gays Too Precious to Risk in Combat'February 25, 2008
  300. 73Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She's Not Interested in HimJanuary 17, 2014
  301. 73Guy Wondering How Much Longer to Keep Picture of Dead Friend as Profile PicMay 31, 2013
  302. 73Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs to Share with a FriendSeptember 2, 2014
  303. 73Neighbors Always Knew Teen Gunman Was Evil And Did Nothing Because They Are Evil TooOctober 29, 2025
  304. 74Horrifying Planet: Animals Spread Disease ConstantlyAugust 29, 2012
  305. 74Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed by Lars van TrierJanuary 1, 2010
  306. 74U.S. Condemned for Pre-Emptive Use of Hillary Clinton Against PakistanSeptember 15, 2009
  307. 74NCAA Expands March Madness to Include 4,096 TeamsMarch 10, 2009
  308. 74Stouffers to Include Suicide Prevention Tips on Single Serve Microwavable MealsMarch 23, 2010
  309. 74Portrayal of Obama as Elitist Hailed as Step Forward for African AmericansAugust 1, 2008
  310. 74Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results of 2008 Election EarlyFebruary 26, 2008
  311. 74Nation's Lunatics Lament Rising Cost of Car MeatJanuary 23, 2014
  312. 74Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father's MurderSeptember 11, 2014
  313. 74Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big ThingMay 31, 2013
  314. 74The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey EpsteinOctober 1, 2025
  315. 75Dr. Good: Wake Up Call for a Bad Tooth BrusherJune 5, 2013
  316. 75Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die SomedayMarch 30, 2010
  317. 75Report: Growing Ranks of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination from Older PoorSeptember 17, 2009
  318. 75Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness of LifeSeptember 7, 2008
  319. 75Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No ThreatMarch 12, 2009
  320. 75In the Know: How can We Make the War in Iraq More Eco-Friendly?February 26, 2008
  321. 75Drew Barrymore's New Tell-All Coloring Book Hits ShelvesJanuary 1, 2010
  322. 75Increasingly Worried Man Hasn't Yet Come Across Any Guacamole in BurritoJanuary 29, 2014
  323. 75CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come at a Worse Time for CompanySeptember 17, 2014
  324. 75Putin Learns Putin Behind Plot To Assassinate PutinSeptember 1, 2012
  325. 75Study Finds Most Americans Can't Find Where they are Being Deported on MapNovember 11, 2025
  326. 76Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version of 'Man in the Mirror' Better Get His Act TogetherJune 7, 2013
  327. 76Horrifying Planet: Deer: Deer Are FineSeptember 5, 2012
  328. 76Police Seize More than $50 in Wire from Nation's Wealthiest Crystal Meth DealerJanuary 1, 2010
  329. 76Economist Warn Anti-Bush Merchandise Market Close to CollapseSeptember 10, 2008
  330. 76Breaking News: Bat Loose in CongressSeptember 22, 2009
  331. 76Red Sox Announce Plans to Return Fenway to Original 1912 ConditionsApril 1, 2010
  332. 76FCC Okays Nudity on TV If It's Alyson HanniganMarch 4, 2008
  333. 76Episode dated 12 March 2009March 12, 2009
  334. 76New Study Shows That Bones Are Incredibly CoolJanuary 30, 2014
  335. 76Congressman Embroiled in Sexting Scandal Explains: 'I Wanted That Girl ToSee My Penis'September 30, 2014
  336. 76DOJ Fails to Redact Thousands of Secret Epstein Family RecipesFebruary 26, 2026
  337. 77Disney Geneticists Debut New Child StarsSeptember 16, 2008
  338. 77Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like to Apply for One Kickstarter, Please'June 11, 2013
  339. 77Thousands of Girls Match Description of Missing Sorority SisterJanuary 1, 2010
  340. 77Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates BurglarSeptember 24, 2009
  341. 77Man Attempts to Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black or Anything'April 6, 2010
  342. 77Study: Nearly 80 Percent of Roommates Got So Drunk Last NightMarch 6, 2008
  343. 77Manufacturer Recalls Hollow Point Bullets That Fail to Explode Inside TargetsMarch 16, 2009
  344. 77Russia Applauds America's Efforts to Exclude Gay Athletes from Professional SportsFebruary 5, 2014
  345. 77Tampa Bay Gay Prostitutes Gearing Up for Flood of Closeted RepublicansSeptember 8, 2012
  346. 77Teacher Who Learns More from Her Students Than She Teaches Them FiredSeptember 30, 2014
  347. 78FDA Official: Just Eat a Goddamn VegetableJanuary 19, 2011
  348. 78Dr. Good: Ladies, Freeze Your Hot Young Face for Later!June 12, 2013
  349. 78Horrifying Planet: The Desert: Where Life Goes to DieSeptember 19, 2012
  350. 78Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating AirportMarch 23, 2009
  351. 78Yankees Building New Vacation Stadium in the HamptonsSeptember 25, 2008
  352. 78DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust of Son's RoomApril 8, 2010
  353. 78Anonymous Philanthropist Donates 200 Human Kidneys to HospitalMarch 11, 2008
  354. 78Crime Reporter Finds Way of Linking Warehouse Fire to Depraved Sex ActSeptember 28, 2009
  355. 78The Onion Reviews 'Gone Girl'October 3, 2014
  356. 78Report: Rising Number of Weak, Emasculated Men Working as Stay-At-Home DadsFebruary 6, 2014
  357. 79Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried as Black AdultJanuary 24, 2011
  358. 79Nation Demands New Photograph of Edward SnowdenJune 14, 2013
  359. 79Horrifying Planet: Manatees: I Saw Manatees Gang Rape a Crippled Manatee Once, ReallySeptember 26, 2012
  360. 79Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out of Touch with Miserable AmericansOctober 1, 2009
  361. 79Congressman's War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill PassedMarch 26, 2009
  362. 79Congress Announces Plan to Hide Nation's Porn from Future GenerationsApril 13, 2010
  363. 79McCain's Economic Plan for Nation: 'Everyone Marry a Beer Heiress'September 1, 2008
  364. 79Delicious Snacks Distract Congressmen from Horrors of WarMarch 13, 2008
  365. 79Sheltered Suburban School Already Knows They're Going to Fuck Up Black History MonthFebruary 14, 2014
  366. 79Old Guy at Hostel Down to PartyOctober 9, 2014
  367. 80The Onion Looks Back at 'The Wizard of Oz'June 17, 2013
  368. 80Town's Teen-Pregnancy Spike Due to One Impressive YouthFebruary 24, 2011
  369. 80Horrifying Planet: Mice: Nature's Disposable AnimalsOctober 3, 2012
  370. 80Paleontologists Discover Skeleton of Nature's First Sexual PredatorMarch 26, 2009
  371. 80Obama to Enter Diplomatic Talks with Raging WildfireOctober 13, 2009
  372. 80In the Know: Should More Americans Get in on the EZ-Go Juicer Craze?April 15, 2010
  373. 80Obama Promises to Stop America's Shitty Jobs from Going OverseasSeptember 1, 2008
  374. 80White House Press Secretary Spins Wife's Tragic Death as a PositiveMarch 20, 2008
  375. 80Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity LeaveOctober 16, 2014
  376. 80Netflix Introduces New 'Browse Endlessly' PlanFebruary 18, 2014
  377. 81Al Qaeda Attacks Internet with Photo of Adorable PigletFebruary 25, 2011
  378. 81Dr. Good: How to Survive Being Shot Point Blank in the ChestJune 19, 2013
  379. 81Horrifying Planet: How to Destroy ItOctober 10, 2012
  380. 81Morning Show Host Starts Charity to Rid World of Flying DebrisApril 2, 2009
  381. 81Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just for Woman He FollowsOctober 15, 2009
  382. 81Live Feed: Obama Attends the White House Maintenance Staff Annual DinnerMay 1, 2010
  383. 81Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCainSeptember 1, 2008
  384. 81China Celebrates Its Status as World's Number One Air PolluterMarch 25, 2008
  385. 81The Onion's Tips for Healthy EatingFebruary 19, 2014
  386. 81ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee FighterNovember 3, 2014
  387. 82Romney's Terrifying Google Search History LeakedOctober 25, 2012
  388. 82Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again by Sneezing During MeetingOctober 22, 2009
  389. 82Hot New Video Game Consists Solely of Shooting People Point-Blank in the FaceApril 7, 2009
  390. 82Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support from McCainSeptember 1, 2008
  391. 82Today Now! Host Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill BiographyMarch 27, 2008
  392. 82Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable Talk ShowMay 4, 2010
  393. 82Open Relationship Gives Couple Freedom to Emotionally Drain Other People from Time to TimeFebruary 20, 2014
  394. 82High School for the Performing Arts Student Goes in Depth About Really Weird Peer PressureJune 20, 2013
  395. 82The Onion Looks Back at 'Texas Chain Saw Massacre'November 3, 2014
  396. 82Panel Of Caged Average Americans Weigh In On EconomyMarch 21, 2011
  397. 83Study: Pregnant Women Can Drink One Bottle of Wine a Day If Fetus Can Handle Its ShitJune 21, 2013
  398. 83Reporters Blow Up Plane, Expose Security LapsesMarch 31, 2008
  399. 83Patriotic Teen Fails SpanishMarch 24, 2011
  400. 83Hot New App from the GOP Modernizes Minority Voter SuppressionNovember 1, 2012
  401. 83China Launces First Willing Manned Mission Into SpaceOctober 2, 2008
  402. 83Study: Children Exposed to Pornography May Expect Sex to Be EnjoyableApril 9, 2009
  403. 83Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right to Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts in PublicMay 6, 2010
  404. 83Finding Masculine Halloween Costumes for Your Effeminate SonOctober 26, 2009
  405. 83New Report Shows Record Year for Births of Test Tube AbominationsFebruary 21, 2014
  406. 83How to Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road RevengeFebruary 4, 2015
  407. 84Markets in Turmoil as Price of Money Skyrockets to $90 a DollarJune 24, 2013
  408. 84New High Tech Voting Machine Lets Voters Mutilate Candidate They OpposeNovember 2, 2012
  409. 84How to Get a Guy to Notice You While You're Having Sex with HimApril 12, 2011
  410. 84Extreme Weather Alert: Meteorologists Predict Intensely Brisk AutumnOctober 9, 2008
  411. 84Prison Economy Spirals as Price of Pack of Cigarettes Exceeds Two Hand JobsApril 14, 2009
  412. 84New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' EarsMay 18, 2010
  413. 849/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda SaysApril 1, 2008
  414. 84Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End to Clippers GameOctober 29, 2009
  415. 84Sochi's Euthanized Dogs to Be Returned to Streets After OlympicsFebruary 21, 2014
  416. 8413-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted to Ohio StateFebruary 26, 2015
  417. 85Today Now! Interviews the 5-Year-Old Screenwriter of 'Fast Five'April 28, 2011
  418. 85Autopsy of a Scene: Paul Feig Points Out How Many Ghosts Are in This Scene from 'The Heat'June 28, 2013
  419. 85America's Roommates Launch 'One Vote Doesn't Matter' CampaignNovember 3, 2012
  420. 85Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall of All U.S. DollarsApril 16, 2009
  421. 85'Iron Man 2' Buzz Heats Up Over Rumors Gwyneth Paltrow Gets Punched in the FaceMay 20, 2010
  422. 85John McCain Accidentally Left on Campaign Bus OvernightNovember 1, 2009
  423. 85Precocious Youngster Sells Cookies to Buy Attack AdOctober 10, 2008
  424. 85Hungry FDA Official Orders Massive Pot Pie RecallApril 3, 2008
  425. 85Is Emma Stone Sporting a Baby Bump? A Nine-Year-Old Boy Tells Us What He ThinksFebruary 26, 2014
  426. 85Breaking: Dogs RunningMarch 10, 2015
  427. 86Overjoyed Florida Gay Couples Rush Out to Have Marriage DeniedJune 28, 2013
  428. 86How to Avoid Unbearable Facebook Bullshit on Election DayNovember 4, 2012
  429. 86In the Know: Should the Nation's Unemployed Be Buying New Apple Computers?April 1, 2011
  430. 8612-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer to Give Women Breast ExamsOctober 12, 2008
  431. 86More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs OverseasApril 21, 2009
  432. 86Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All NightMay 20, 2010
  433. 86Plight of Missing Hikers Will Make Great MovieApril 8, 2008
  434. 86Victim in Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn BeckNovember 2, 2009
  435. 86Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn't Be That Hard to RobFebruary 27, 2014
  436. 86What Kind Of Mom Stick Is Right For You?May 8, 2015
  437. 87New Wearable Computer also Sucks Your DickJuly 2, 2013
  438. 87Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities in a Random UniverseNovember 5, 2012
  439. 87Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop at WalmartMay 10, 2011
  440. 87Was There Too Much Sex and Profanity in the HBO Presidential Debate?October 16, 2008
  441. 87Should We Be Doing More to Reduce the Graphic Violence in Our Dreams?April 23, 2009
  442. 87Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global WarmingMay 25, 2010
  443. 87Suspicious Package Industry Falls on Hard TimesApril 10, 2008
  444. 87Ford Unveils New Car for Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 TaurusNovember 5, 2009
  445. 87Jared Leto Thanks Acting for Being an Easy Thing That Anybody Can DoMarch 3, 2014
  446. 87Where Do You Rank On The Overall Mom Leaderboard?May 8, 2015
  447. 88Sesame Street: 'Bert and Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual PervertsJuly 2, 2013
  448. 88Is Our Wealth Hurting Africa's Feelings?April 14, 2008
  449. 88After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner for 2016November 8, 2012
  450. 88Missing Teen's Friends Go on TV to Plead for Her Release, Gossip About Ugly ClassmatesMay 17, 2011
  451. 88Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing TrucksNovember 10, 2009
  452. 88First Openly Gay Racehorse to Compete SundayOctober 21, 2008
  453. 88Ambassador Stages Coup at UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding ResolutionsApril 30, 2009
  454. 88Jockey Liam Hollins the Favorite to Brutally Whip Horse to Kentucky Derby WinMay 27, 2010
  455. 8812-Year-Old Couldn't Begin to Guess Name of Friend Whose House He Visits to Play XboxMarch 5, 2014
  456. 88How to Successfully Sue Other Moms Who Steal Your Parenting TricksMay 19, 2015
  457. 89America's Waitresses: Are They Hitting on You?May 20, 2011
  458. 89Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously ThoughtJuly 4, 2013
  459. 89Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film as 'Fun, Watchable'May 5, 2009
  460. 89Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family DinnerNovember 17, 2009
  461. 89Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies in Steamy BlazeJune 1, 2010
  462. 89Obama Undertakes Presidential Internship to Ease Concerns About His Lack of ExperienceOctober 21, 2008
  463. 89Historic 'Blockbuster' Store Offers Glimpse of How Movies were Rented in the PastApril 15, 2008
  464. 89Congress Arrested on Manslaughter ChargesDecember 29, 2012
  465. 89Southwest Airlines Rolls Out New 'Loyalty Goes Both Ways' CampaignMarch 11, 2014
  466. 89The Onion Looks Back at 'The Goonies'June 8, 2015
  467. 90In the Know: Report: Economy Failing Because U.S Built on Ancient Indian Burial GroundsMay 31, 2011
  468. 90Special Boy with Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling BeeMay 7, 2009
  469. 90Cindy McCain Claims She's 'Just Like Any Other Female Human'October 25, 2008
  470. 90Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition for Three Remaining SubscribersJune 8, 2010
  471. 90Internet Archeologists Find Ruins of 'Friendster' CivilizationDecember 16, 2009
  472. 90Human Head Found in HamburgerApril 16, 2008
  473. 90Scientists Confirm Statues Humans' Closest Nonliving RelativeMarch 13, 2014
  474. 90Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal SuiteJuly 11, 2013
  475. 90Man Has Such Good Friends They'll Let Him Drink Himself to Death Right Before Their EyesJanuary 10, 2013
  476. 90The Seven Male Role Models Every Child Needs for a Healthy UpbringingJune 8, 2015
  477. 91Rogue Wave Covers Duran Duran's 'Rio'July 26, 2013
  478. 91America's Best: America's Breathiest Singer?January 15, 2013
  479. 91Millions Irrationally Feared Dead in Minor Train AccidentJuly 13, 2011
  480. 91Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in IraqMay 12, 2009
  481. 91In the Know: Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized?October 30, 2008
  482. 91Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?June 10, 2010
  483. 91Astronauts Suffer Agonizing, High Pitched Death After Helium LeakApril 17, 2008
  484. 91Adults Go Wild Over Latest in Children's Picture Book SeriesDecember 1, 2009
  485. 91Study: Slapping Everyone in Grocery Store, Exposing Yourself in Produce Section Still Frowned UponMarch 18, 2014
  486. 91Onion Explains: Putin's RussiaAugust 3, 2015
  487. 92In the Know: Should Adults Be Allowed to Bring Kids to R-Rated Movies Where We Masturbate?July 19, 2011
  488. 92America's Best: America's Spookiest Ghost CostumesJanuary 22, 2013
  489. 92Congressman's Son Won't Shut the Hell Up During HearingMay 14, 2009
  490. 92Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters in Crucial Swing StateOctober 1, 2008
  491. 92Soccer Officially Announces It Is GayJune 15, 2010
  492. 92Congress Debates Merits of New CatchphraseApril 17, 2008
  493. 92Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated in Yet Another Jewel HeistJanuary 1, 2009
  494. 92Black Part of Town Moves Across TownAugust 8, 2013
  495. 926-Year-Old Data Entry Prodigy Already Entertaining Offers from Major Temp AgenciesSeptember 11, 2015
  496. 92Teens Migrating From Facebook To Comments Section Of Slow-Motion Deer VideoMarch 20, 2014
  497. 93Everyone at Office Planning Shooting Spree for Same DayJanuary 27, 2013
  498. 93Man in Coma Enters GOP Race, Already Polling Ahead of RomneyOctober 17, 2011
  499. 93Barbara Bush Runs Aground Off Coast of MaineNovember 2, 2008
  500. 93Live from Congress: Representative Wants to See, Meet More Kids OnlineMay 14, 2009
  501. 93Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance for Human InteractionJune 17, 2010
  502. 93Wildly Popular 'Iron Man' Trailer to Be Adapted into Full-Length FilmApril 22, 2008
  503. 93Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.January 1, 2009
  504. 93The Onion Looks Back at 'Back to the Future'October 23, 2015
  505. 93Colorado Boy Asks Nation Not to Find His Missing Little BrotherAugust 13, 2013
  506. 93The Onion Reviews 'Divergent'March 20, 2014
  507. 94America's Best: America's Sexiest Hula Hooper?January 29, 2013
  508. 94Home Depot Honors Fallen Soldiers with Great Prices on ToolsApril 24, 2008
  509. 94Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses to Hide Foul PenisesJune 24, 2010
  510. 94Voting Machines Elect One of Their Own as PresidentNovember 4, 2008
  511. 94Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations of Head SizeJanuary 1, 2009
  512. 94Dredge the RiverMay 15, 2009
  513. 94Surgeon General: Smoking Fine as Long as You Only Do It When You DrinkAugust 19, 2013
  514. 94The Onions Tips for Nailing a Job InterviewApril 3, 2014
  515. 94Tips for Socializing Your DogJune 9, 2016
  516. 94Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted by Prison's Rigid RoutineNovember 22, 2011
  517. 95Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics to Find Cause of Dorm FireMay 19, 2009
  518. 95All Sports to Cease So Skip Bayless Has Nothing to Talk AboutNovember 5, 2008
  519. 95Restoration of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New VersesJuly 1, 2010
  520. 95Software Indicates Missing Child Likely A Prostitute By NowApril 24, 2008
  521. 95DEA Recruits Lil Wayne to Use Up All Drugs in MexicoJanuary 1, 2009
  522. 95Cases of Shaken Manchild Syndrome on the RiseAugust 21, 2013
  523. 95Jock Scientists Identify Gay Gene in Fellow Researcher CarlApril 8, 2014
  524. 95How to Live Gluten-FreeJune 10, 2016
  525. 95Ten Percent of U.S. High School Students Graduating Without Basic Object Permanence SkillsFebruary 1, 2013
  526. 95Did Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's an Insane WomanJanuary 27, 2012
  527. 96NHL Tries to Woo Fans by Increasing Scoring with Bigger Nets, 3-Point LineMay 21, 2009
  528. 96DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted of Bear AttackJanuary 1, 2009
  529. 96Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters to Realize How Empty Their Lives AreNovember 5, 2008
  530. 96Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack on Nation's Capitol to Spare 'Twilight' AuthorJuly 6, 2010
  531. 96NHL Star Called Up to Big Leagues to Play for NFL TeamApril 29, 2008
  532. 96Dan Savage Successfully Undergoes Gay Conversion TherapyAugust 23, 2013
  533. 96Mother Who Forgot to Pay 29-Year-Old Son's Phone Bill Reminded to Really Be Careful About ThatFebruary 4, 2013
  534. 96Couple Keeps It Interesting by Bickering in Different Positions, RoomsApril 9, 2014
  535. 96Tips for Planning a Family VacationJune 11, 2016
  536. 96Dead Wife and Kids Replaced by Miniature HorsesFebruary 7, 2012
  537. 97Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable of Rolling Eyes and Texting, to Be EuthanizedFebruary 13, 2012
  538. 97America's Best: Snakes in a BagFebruary 5, 2013
  539. 97YouTube Contest Challenges Users to Make a 'Good' VideoNovember 11, 2008
  540. 97McCain Declines Secret ServiceMay 6, 2008
  541. 97New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone to Talk at About Mac ProductsJuly 6, 2010
  542. 97FDA Approves Depressant Drug for the Annoyingly CheerfulJanuary 1, 2009
  543. 97'Students First in Line' Program to Offer Job Training at Needy SchoolsMay 25, 2009
  544. 97Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone in Own HouseSeptember 6, 2013
  545. 97The Onion's Tips for Getting a Good Night's SleepApril 17, 2014
  546. 97Ways to Make Your Commute More EnjoyableJune 11, 2016
  547. 98In the Know: Are Politicians Failing Our Lobbyists?May 14, 2008
  548. 98Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested in ManslaughterMay 28, 2009
  549. 98In the Know: Should the Government Stop Dumping Money Into a Giant Hole?November 13, 2008
  550. 98Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform DebateJuly 8, 2010
  551. 98New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay to Smoke'January 1, 2009
  552. 98College Freshman Honors Dead Roommate's Memory by Solemnly Eating All His FoodSeptember 12, 2013
  553. 98College Freshman's Roommate Has Had Excuse to Go Home Every Weekend Since AugustFebruary 11, 2013
  554. 98Small Business Still Manages to Mistreat Workers Like Large Corporate ChainApril 24, 2014
  555. 98Boy Loses Leg in Totally Awesome Shark AttackFebruary 24, 2012
  556. 98RNC Speech: 'Fuck, We're Really Just Letting This Fucking Happen?'July 21, 2016
  557. 99America's Best: America's Best Scatter?February 12, 2013
  558. 99Attractive Girls Union Refuses to Enter Talks with Mike GreenmanNovember 18, 2008
  559. 99Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, MarriageJune 2, 2009
  560. 99Girl Raised from Birth by Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective CustodyJuly 13, 2010
  561. 99Horrific 120-Car Pileup a Sad Reminder of Princess Diana's DeathMay 22, 2008
  562. 99New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move LessJanuary 1, 2009
  563. 99Small Town Throws Pride Parade for Only Gay ResidentSeptember 17, 2013
  564. 99Teen Boys Losing Virginity Earlier and Earlier, Report Teen BoysApril 29, 2014
  565. 99Woman Sets Record for Longest Amount of Time Spent Talking About OneselfMarch 7, 2012
  566. 99DNC Speech: 'It's Howard Dean, Motherfucks!'July 26, 2016
  567. 100America's Best: America's Best Kisser?February 19, 2013
  568. 100Heartbroken Santorum Condemns Gay Marriage for Two-Timing Jerks Like NickMarch 9, 2012
  569. 100China's Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great the Chinese Government IsNovember 20, 2008
  570. 100Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move in Together'June 2, 2009
  571. 100Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend from AfricaJuly 20, 2010
  572. 1002-Year-Old Donkey Called Up to Pro Donkey Basketball LeagueMay 27, 2008
  573. 100Police Still Searching for Missing Productive, Obedient WomanJanuary 1, 2009
  574. 100Area Man Unsure If He's Male-Bonding or Being BulliedSeptember 19, 2013
  575. 100How Do Construction Workers Push Their Bodies to Finish Olympic Stadiums on Time?August 9, 2016
  576. 100Hurricane Ashley Expected to Strike Several Bars this Cinco de MayoMay 5, 2014